Posted on Aug 30, 2023
In psychology there is this idea that models of attachment defined in the early days, and not–so–early days, of life will shape our default model of relationships in young and adult existence; some unfortunate souls develop a toxic model of attachment; these puny humans have to actively work on their brains to escape that model and build a healthier life.
I have been aware of this theory for a long time, since before the Internet. I thought that it is just so dumb to fall into this trap; with some rational thinking we can easily escape, if we are intelligent. And I am intelligent!
While going through midlife crisis and in the aftermath of it, I have built a model of myself in which I am dumb like other people. One could say that these are just words: in our mind we can build an abstract interpretation of a concrete life scenario and we can just layer abstract interpretation on top of abstract interpretation and we go wherever we want.
I have to give a bit of credit to myself: back when I was lost in the horrors of love, my mind was split in two; I literally thought of it in these terms. On one side there was love, on the other side there was rationality: what about this?, what about that?, what about this behaviour of hers that is the opposite of what I want and need? I was heavily, heavily conflicted; but it was not really a debate: on one side reasoning, on the other side granitic obsession.
It also happened only once: I did not live the same pattern again and again.
It was still devastating.
At some point I developed the will to remove the whole situation; to erase love with an act of force; it did not work; I failed to transform myself into a narcissistic cyborg, which is what I should have done to move on with life, improve my chances to achieve results, enjoy life and so on. I went on uselessly trying to remove this pressure from my brain.
Now I’m in the “after”. Midlife crisis really worked! Ha! Ha! The pressure is gone! I cannot really say, obviously, but I like to think of it as if new neural pathways have formed in my brain and now I can think thoughts that were not possible before.
I do not love her anymore.
I am left with the consciousness all the human resources I have wasted; I feel guilty in front of myself for losing the battle for so long.
Batman loves Catwoman, what about that? It is a toxic love; Batman loses this battle again and again.
Can I forgive myself for losing mine?
Am I this banal?